I Have Had Enough.

So I have this anxiety disorder, see? Not sure how I got it - genetics seem to play a big role. But today I have had enough.

Just today, I was driving a distance of about five miles - and the whole way, I was freaking out about which route was the best. Suddenly, the absurdity of what I was doing suddenly really hit me. I was mentally on a treadmill.

It was not long ago that I made the discovery that I can handle almost any real problem that comes my way, but imaginary ones totally paralyze me. And that is what an anxiety disorder is all about. For me, a tornado watch is worse than a tornado warning. In fact, once when I was still married and lived in a second floor apartment, I saw a weather alert showing that a solid wall of tornadoes was streaming across Ohio and would be in our area in two hours. In a calm, orderly manner, I hustled my entire family into the car and headed for shelter. Once we were there (a family member's basement), I proceeded to entertain my family - keeping them calm until the winds finally did kick up.

For an even stronger example, consider the fact that I was a total mess when I was worried about losing my job, but having actually lost it, I am thriving.

Anxiety gone unchecked leads to paranoia - and I have had two bouts of paranoia that have messed me up something fierce. The latter landed me in the hospital. Since then I have been on a course of treatment that includes both medication and therapy -- and that has been very helpful. Not that the anxiety has totally gone away, but I am able to shut it down sometimes and deal with it better at other times.

"So why do you bring this up?" you may ask.

A big part of being a practicing Buddhist is Mindfulness. It's typically number seven on the Eightfold Path. And being mindful of my anxiety has both blessed me and seriously pissed me off. Because I am at a place now where I am just finding it annoying. Exhausting. Frustrating. I am tired of living like this.

I am TIRED.

Funny how exhaustion can spur one to change.

Today it seems insurmountable. It feels impossible. But I am sick of this.